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August 1st, 2019

I was off work today, so I slept in and didn’t get up until around 1 in the afternoon. I stayed out pretty late last night, hanging out with Brandon. We had a great day; we ate lunch at Tokyo, went to the movies to see Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, went to Booksamillion, then went back to his grandparents’ house where we watched Breaking Bad until about midnight. I had a great time with him, but I definitely needed to catch up on some sleep today.

It seems like I’ve been in a constant state of panic recently, mostly about my finances. I’ve been working at Publix for three years, yet I’m still only part-time and not getting very many hours. It’s exhausting to always worry about whether or not I’ll be able to afford all of my bills for the month. Last year, when I was working two part-time jobs, was the first time that I felt financially secure. I was tired a lot, but it was worth it at the time. I was able to get a new car and actually have spending money left over. In my current financial situation, I have just enough to pay for my bills, but hardly anything left over. Recently, however, I barely have enough to pay for my bills. It’s so frustrating knowing that I’ve been with Publix for so long, yet this is still an issue for me.

I have to admit that I do make more than I did starting out with Publix; I started out at $9.75 an hour, and I am now making $11.40 an hour. And I’m due for another quarter-raise this month. So things would actually be great, if they would just give me the hours… it seems like I have less hours now than I did when I first started. It makes me so upset and discouraged. So I’ve constantly been thinking about finding a full-time job.

I’ve applied to six places that are hiring full-time, and today I caved in and applied for a second part-time job at JCPenney. At this point, I just need something more. Ideally, I’d rather have a full-time job, so I could have benefits and more than likely have weekends off. With a part-time job, I’d be working the same hours as a full-time job (possibly more) but I wouldn’t have the benefits. It was really nice at first, working at Ulta and making more money, but it was draining. Some weeks I would work 50+ hours, and I’d be exhausted. It was worth it at the time, and I’m thankful, but I really hope that I am able to find a full-time job.

Last week I had a job interview with Guardian Credit Union, and I know I was really nervous. I thought I did okay and that maybe they liked me, but they never called me back. I just feel like I’m not good enough, and I worry too much, and it definitely shows. Between not getting this job and not being approved for CS Staff at Publix, I’ve started to lose what little confidence I had in myself. And I know that’s my problem: not believing in myself. But I’m trying. I’m trying so hard; I’m just always anxious. I try to act like I’m confident, but I feel like no one ever really takes me seriously. But I’m trying to change that.

My mind has been all over the place today, and I feel mentally drained. I’ve felt so lost and stuck, and I don’t know which direction to go in. But then I wrote in my journal today for the first time in a long time, and I wrote down my financial goals, and I realized that things are going to be okay. Things start to feel much better after I write down what’s bothering me. So I wrote down my financial goals, which are mostly to pay off my debt and find a place of my own and go back to school, and I realized that maybe this doesn’t have to be so scary. As soon as I can start saving more money, things will be okay. Things are okay now, it’s just hard for me to see it. I have to remind myself of all the things I have to be thankful for. So even though my mind has been in a rut and I haven’t been taking good care of myself lately, I know that I still have so much to be thankful for, and that I can do this. I just have to believe in myself.

July 29th, 2019: Therapy

I’m thinking about trying to find a therapist I can go to. I’ve never been to therapy, but I feel like I could have used it a long time ago.

I like to help others, but for some reason I feel ashamed of asking for help. I encourage others to ask for help, but I can’t even help myself. I was like this in school as well, especially high school. I always felt like a bother when I asked for help, so I hardly ever did unless it was absolutely urgent.

But I’ve learned (well, still learning) that it’s okay to ask for help. I need to help myself. It’s gotten to the point where it is absolutely urgent.

A few weeks ago, I was thinking about going back to school, and for a week or so I felt motivated and inspired. I thought, yes, I can really make this happen. But then there was more family drama, and I realized that I have to find a full-time job as soon as possible, so I can make more money and eventually have a place of my own. I don’t think I can live at my dad’s girlfriend’s house for fours years while I go to college. Plus, maybe by then Brandon and I will be thinking about having our own place.

It hurts my head just thinking about all of this. Do I go back to school or do I find a full-time job, do I do this or do I do that

I don’t know what to do. But I’ve been in a funk again recently, and I feel like I need to talk to someone. I feel like I needed to talk to someone years ago, but I was always afraid. I’m still afraid, honestly, but I feel like this has to happen if I’m ever going to get better.

I’ve always doubted myself, and recently I feel like a failure in the workplace. I feel like my anxiety is holding me back and I can’t do the things I’d like to do, or be who I really want to be. I’m so anxious and overwhelmed and sad, and I feel like if I don’t do something about it then nothing will ever change. I have to do something, even if I don’t want to.

The thing is, I’ve thought about being a teacher or a counselor or maybe even a therapist. But how can I be those things, how can I help people when I never help myself? I have to help myself in order to help others, to truly help others, I think. And maybe it’ll make me an even better teacher, counselor, mentor, etc. Maybe then I’ll be who I really want to be.

I’ve even strayed away from God recently, again. I haven’t meant to, but it’s almost like I just haven’t had the energy to even pray. I feel so lost and confused, and sometimes I think too much and then I don’t know what’s real. It’s hard to be sure of anything. I’d like to pray more and read more about God and His word, but I feel like He’s probably so ashamed of me. I feel like I’m too far gone.

A week or two ago, I had another emotional breakdown one night and was thinking some pretty terrible things, directed towards God. Why would He do this, how could He let this happen, those were some of the things I was thinking, but I was so mad and upset and confused, that I said some other terrible things. Or I thought them, any way.

It’s just like I haven’t had the energy to do anything lately. I haven’t eaten much because I haven’t had much of an appetite, it takes all my energy to get up and go to work, I feel exhausted for no reason. I feel defeated.

But I’m going to try to find a good therapist, and I don’t want to think too much about what it will cost. All I know is that I have to do this.

July 27th, 2019: Defeat

I’m trying to find hope and strength, but the truth is I just feel so lost and alone. I feel defeated and hopeless. There is so much pain that I don’t know how anything is ever going to be okay.

It’s true that things are constantly changing, and each day is brand new. But one thing that will never change is the fact that I no longer have my mom, my aunt Sara, my Granny Elsie, Grandpa David, my great-grandpa, Kinner, my sister. I have lost so many people in my life, and it’s so hard to go on without them. When they passed away, a piece of me went with each and every one of them.

I feel so alone in this world. When I’m spending time with Brandon, I feel okay. He’s really my only friend and the only person I can talk to. I’d love for things to work out with us and to start a family with him some day, but part of me is so scared to start a family because what if I lose them too? What if I keep losing people for the rest of my life? That’s all I’ve ever known, it seems.

It hurts so much. Every day, it’s all I can do to get out of bed and go to work and face another day. It’s so hard to talk to people; I feel so anxious, like I can’t breathe. Like I’m drowning, every single day. I just want to be able to breathe.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m trying to find motivation again; I even thought about going back to school, but there is still so much holding me back. Maybe I should see a therapist or start taking medication, but I’m so scared that things will only get worse.

I’m so scared and hurt and this life feels so cruel. I don’t know what to do.

April 30th, 2019: Believe

Lately I’ve been in a bit of a funk due to my allergies; I was perfectly fine at the beginning of spring when pollen was everywhere, but for the last few weeks it seems like I’ve had an allergy attack almost every day, just when the pollen count has died down. It’s a bit backwards, but I’ve been taking medicine to help me make it through. The bad part is that I’ve felt weak and fatigued the last week or so, and haven’t felt like doing much of anything.

Luckily I’ve still been able to work, although I felt so bad the other day that I thought I was going to have to leave early. I told myself to wait at least one hour, and if I didn’t feel any better by then, I would do something about it. But luckily I started feeling much better, and work flew by. It’s a little thing, but I felt proud of myself for it. Sometimes I’m quick to give up when I’m feeling down, but I’m trying to change that about myself. I succeeded the other day at work, and I’m thankful that I was able to do that. Baby steps, baby steps…

Sometimes one small step can truly make a difference. I have to constantly remind myself of that, especially when I’m feeling doubtful about myself and the future. I’m constantly worried that I might be too late, that it’s too late for me to accomplish anything. But I know that this is only the beginning.

I’m twenty-two years old now, which is so surreal to believe. It seems like yesterday I was 17, 18, 19… the years have flown by, and I haven’t yet achieved what I would have liked to. It’s hard seeing posts from my Facebook friends, people who are my age, just graduating college… I feel like I should be doing the same. But I know that we all grow at our own pace, and that’s perfectly okay.

I always say that it’s okay to not have everything figured out. I believe that no one ever really does, but that doesn’t mean that you’ll never accomplish anything. You can still follow your dreams, one step at a time. Sometimes it’s all about the journey; that’s the fun part. Because once you reach your destination, you’ll be asking yourself, well, what now? 

It’s so important to have our goals and dreams. That’s what makes life meaningful, it’s what makes the struggles and hard times worth it. Our dreams will always keep us going. We should always have a dream, no matter how big or small it might be.

It’s okay to work at your own pace; we are all so unique and special in our own ways. We all bloom, just in different seasons. And one of my favorite quotes is “your speed doesn’t matter; forward is forward.” I try to remind myself of this every day.

I’ve had issues with doubting myself in the past and always thinking negatively. I’ll never get this done, it’s too late, it won’t be good any way, I’m worthless, I don’t have a purpose, I’m nothing. I get so angry and fed up with myself for not having done what I’ve wanted to; but the more I think about it, the more I realize that I still have time. I’m getting older, it’s true, we all are; but this is still only the beginning. And maybe I have to go through more in life (gain more experience) before really diving into my book.

I know my ideas are still there, I know there’s a world waiting to be written about on paper. It may take some time to write it all down, but it’s there nonetheless. And I can’t wait to release it.

Here’s to happy, positive thoughts; keep believing in yourself and following your dreams! ♥

Never Give Up

Hey guys! Okay, so I think I can speak for just about the entire population here in that I hate feeling rushed. We all know that sinking feeling of being in a hurry, and/or feeling as if we’ll never get everything done. It’s the worst, right?

Well, that’s how I’d feel on a daily basis, and it was slowly driving me crazy. Sometimes it would be something minor, like not being able to finish all the chores around my apartment before going into work. Most of the time, however, it was feeling as if I’d never be able to accomplish anything.

One of my goals in life is to write books. I love writing, and it’s my dream to write for the rest of my life and publish books along the way. Yet I struggled with self-doubt for so long, and it made me feel as if I would never be able to accomplish my goals. You can’t do this, why even try? You won’t be as good as them. Your books won’t sell. You’re setting yourself up for failure. All of those negative thoughts were bouncing around in my head, and I couldn’t think straight. I also constantly felt like I was in a hurry; like if I didn’t write this book overnight, it would never get finished. It was an absurd and unrealistic way to think, because books can’t (normally) happen overnight; and I know this. I want to savor the process of writing a book for as long as I can, but the other part of me wanted to already have it done so I could feel as if I succeeded in life.

Right now, I have a part-time job, and I’m not currently in school. It eats away at me inside to see so many people around my age about to graduate college, or already having amazing careers. It makes me feel like I’m not doing anything; like if I’m not successful now, I might never be. But I know I can’t think that way. Because for 1.) It simply isn’t true. 2.) I can’t compare my progress to that of others’. Life isn’t a race nor a competition; we all grow at our own pace, and that’s completely normal. 3.) If I maintain a negative mindset, the results will be, of course, negative. But I truly believe that with a positive mindset, great things will happen. Maybe not as quickly as I’d like, but someday. That’s all that matters.

I’m learning to live life in the moment and enjoy every bit of it while I can. It’s okay to not have everything figured out yet, or that I’m not yet where I’d like to be. That’s what goals are for, right? I used to always feel so rushed to get things done, that I didn’t take the time to appreciate where I am now; to enjoy the process. To enjoy each day as it comes. One day, I’ll wish that I had. I know that success will come as long as I keep trying. Besides, what would life be like if we already had everything we could ever want? What would happen to our goals and dreams? Our dreams are essential. 

So instead of thinking about what I don’t have or what I haven’t yet accomplished, I’ve learned to remember all of the wonderful things and people I do have, and all of the things I have accomplished so far. Life is all about the journey; we have to enjoy the ride for as long as we can, and remember that someday we will reach our destination.

Also, I have to bring up my favorite quote again, that I try to remind myself of each day: “Your speed doesn’t matter; forward is forward.” 

If you have ever dealt with feelings of self-doubt, please know you’re not alone. Never give up on yourself. Remember how far you have already come, and know that you’ll still achieve so much, even if you’re not quite where you’d like to be yet. Keep moving forward; you’re here to do great things!

Forward is Forward / May 29th, 2018

After a long and tiring weekend at work, I’m finally free to blog again! I couldn’t be more thrilled to be off work today, especially since I was finally able to sleep in. (I never knew I could miss sleep so much.) Sal and his family went camping over the weekend, but he came back yesterday morning so I was able to spend some time with him before I left for work. He went back to work today but hopefully we can go out to dinner or something when he gets off. 🙂

Anyway, I was so excited to blog again today. I’ve been down in the dumps for a while because I haven’t been reading or writing as much as I would like to. My goal has been to read and write (if only a little bit) each day, before or after work, just whenever I can. Lately I’ve been so overwhelmed and felt as if I’ll never get anything done… as if I’ll never accomplish any of my goals or achieve anything in life. I have to constantly remind myself that this isn’t the case at all.

Even though I haven’t reached all of my goals yet, that doesn’t mean that I never will, right? Besides, what would life be if we didn’t have goals? If we had already achieved everything we ever wanted?

I’ve learned that it’s important to have something to look forward to each day. Something that keeps you moving, keeps you inspired, keeps you dreaming. If I had already achieved everything that I ever wanted to achieve, then what would I do? What would I look forward to each day? What would I work towards?

I think life would be pretty dull and miserable if we didn’t have our goals and dreams and aspirations to think about. I just have to remind myself that I will achieve my goals someday, even if it’s not as soon as I’d like. Sometimes when I feel like I’ll never accomplish anything at all, I remind myself of the things that I’ve achieved thus far in life, however big or small they might be.

If anything, the most important thing is that I’m still here. When I was younger, I battled depression and suicidal thoughts, and I didn’t think things were ever going to get better for me. Yet looking back on it, they have gotten better… I was able to move away from a toxic environment at home and move in with my best friend, and we have our own apartment together. Whenever I think about how bad things used to be, or when my depression starts creeping back again, all I have to do is look around at where I am now and be thankful that I’m no longer in a bad place anymore. I live in this small, comfortable apartment with the love of my life, which I never thought could ever happen, but it did. I have a job and am thankfully able to pay all of my bills. I even have the courage to set up my appointments now, which is something that always gave me anxiety… So even though I’m not quite where I’d like to be yet, I have still come so far, and that’s something to be thankful for.

I saw this quote on social media recently, and it came at the perfect time: “Your speed doesn’t matter; forward is forward.” I think about this a lot now, and it makes me feel better when I doubt myself. Each day that I’m living and breathing is another chance to pursue my dreams and discover what I’m made of. I may not get there as soon as I would like, but as the quote says, “speed doesn’t matter.” All that matters is that I keep trying, keep waking up each morning with a positive outlook on life, and know that I can achieve even my wildest of dreams. Even on our bad days, “forward is forward.” We have still come so far, and we’re here to do great things.

Magical Mondays

Find the magic in the Monday.

I just got off work, and after working for about nine days straight, I’m pretty pooped. Luckily I’m finally off tomorrow! Even though I’ve been tired, I’m actually so blessed to have been able to work. I was out of work for about a week and half, recovering from my wisdom teeth surgery, so I didn’t receive a paycheck last week. It was rough, but thankfully I’ve been able to gain more hours this week, so I’m truly thankful!

This year, but particularly this month, I’ve tried to look at life with a more positive perspective. Instead of thinking about things that I don’t have, I look around at things that I do have: shelter, food, a job, books, a bed, clothes, the list could go on and on. Not to mention the people I have, too: my best friend/roommate, my loving grandma, great aunt, and great-grandma, and new friends. And even though at times I still feel alone and depressed, I know that I still have my Lord and Savior by my side through everything. He’s always there to catch me when I fall, to resurrect my spirit, to tell me that He’s by my side through everything. I may not be where I would like to be in life, but I’ve still come so far, and I’m thankful that God has been there every step of the way, even if I didn’t see it at the time.

All in all, today has been a pretty productive day! (I must really like alliteration today.) I went to work at 12:30, was originally scheduled to get off at 7:30, but they asked me to stay later so I ended up getting off a little after 10. It was a long shift, but it actually flew by! So for a Monday, it really wasn’t too bad after all.

While I’m on the topic, it seems like a lot of us dread Mondays, right? We never want our weekends to end. (I have a part-time job, so sometimes I have to work on weekends, but still. Mondays can just be meh, no matter what.) We dread going back to work and facing another week. But maybe we can think about it like this: It’s a new week, a new beginning. Another chance to make our week great. Sure, work isn’t so great at times, but we’re so much stronger than we think. There is still magic to be found, even on Mondays. Another week, another chance to achieve greatness. To grow, to prosper, to start fresh. To keep dreaming and believing in ourselves. Don’t let Mondays tear you down; let them build you up. We continue to grow every day, and it’s never too late to be who you want to be.

And last but not least, please remember that you are so loved. You’re loved beyond anything imaginable, and you are never alone. You matter so much in this world. Keep believing in yourself, you’re here to do great things. ♥